I Am NOT Just A Nice Girl...

I would be a liar if I didn't say that I don't care what people think of me to some degree. I was raised to reflect the home I came from and myself in way that commands respect. And I get it. And I'm nice about it quite often. I'm described by others as a nice girl. I'm sweet. I'm intelligent and well-spoken. Sometimes I'm called funny or witty. And I appreciate all of that. I'm grateful for it because it means overall I'm showing the world who I am. Without wanting to sound prideful I can acknowledge I am all of these things.

But...

...this philosophy can only go so far. I am not just a nice girl. Like just about everyone else on the planet I have my angles, edges and dark, twisted, scary places. I have my less "attractive" qualities. I have an emo place and a freaky place and an off kilter place. I have snark and a really, really dirty mind. I can be an ass. I have thoughts of anger and more. I can be thoughtless. Selfish. Calculating. Manipulative. I can curse and be rude. I can be cruel and laugh about it. There's dark and light inside me.

This is good and it's important. Because I've also been raised and come to believe that there is a time and place for everything. And while these other facets generally show only in certain situations in my life, as a writer I cannot and will not constrain them from my stories or creative mind. To breathe the life into my characters and worlds I cannot permit myself to be constrained by a need to be perceived as "a nice girl".

For the longest time, I have had the tendency not to write when I'm in certain states of mind or moods because I thought "Oh.. I'll ruin the story somehow,"or "No one wants to read about *this* feeling/emotion it wouldn't be...interesting."
I've been committing a horrible crime I realize, I've been writing safe. And that is really some BS because while safe topics can work I'm often intrigued by that which is not always safe.
As a wise fellow writer has advised me "Why *not* use it? Purge it on the page. Make it work for you, the story."

This was reinforced when I read Steven King's "On Writing" (Excellent book!), I found out an interesting fact about one of my favorite stories, "The Tommyknockers," (also a great book - not so much the mini-series). When I read that story, something in me responded to the passion in it, a certain intensity, circling darkness. I had a feeling that what I was reading went deeper than the page even if I couldn't quite name it and it intrigued me. Turns out, he was using his feelings and struggle with addiction to fuel the story. And now I can see how those dark places meshed.

I generally realize "nice" is not why most read stories. Most read for the conflict, the plot. The ride. To wonder how there will be resolution or solution. To come to care care about the character in a state. To take the journey and see what will happen or who the character becomes by the end of it. And while I am someone who can write to inspiration, I can make or take my own inspiration as well. If I'm only going to be a "nice" writer...hell I might as well put down my pen and only write poetry about fluffy clouds, pretty dresses and candy. That's needed in the world too. But that's not all I've got to offer.

So, I'm not a nice girl at all when it comes down to it. When you look at all these qualities within me - I'm a woman (I know; womyn, roar, etc., I know, I know...). I own my places within, light and dark. And I'm a writer; so every scrap of emotion or situation, twisted or straight in my life is mine to take, plunder and make my own as I see fit. To gift them in some shade to my stories and characters. See all these facets exposed to your naked eyes and vivid imaginations.

So, that's it. I'm going to use everything. And I won't think twice about it or how it may be received except as it is relative or pertains to telling a great story.

I'm getting free. Feels damn good.